14.7.11

.missing.

yesterday was the first day i really missed caleb.
what?! i've gone 2+ weeks and haven't missed him?
what kind of wife am i?
let me explain.
caleb is amazing. he's such a great friend, husband, dad, and he's a hard worker.
but.
he went to india. i was left in the USA. somewhat by choice. with a full time job & a certain 9 month old baby.

i can tell you... it is hard to miss someone or something when you're so busy. our days were filled with working, playing, going to the beach, and repeating. maybe with a few other fun activities added into the mix.
sam is a character. he's been so much fun lately and he's getting SO big!
my mom is a saint. she is watching sam EVERY day from 8am until 5pm, which is morphing into 6pm because i have a lot of work to do. while caleb is in india, i'm working in the office instead of from home. it's amazing. seriously. amazing. i miss working in the office.
let me preface it with this: i love my husband. i love sam. i love my job. in that order. well other things could be added in between. but those are the three pieces to this little write-up.
my boss was flexible and let me work from home after sam was born. it was hard, but it was amazing. i was so thankful to be able to work from home, be with sam and still earn a paycheck, you know to pay tuition and other bills.


as sam got older, it was harder to work from home. my sister-in-law, another saint, got me a little playpen, i put it in my office and sam hung out in his playpen and i worked... most of the time... i just had to take one day at a time. there were a few other saints who helped out... my friend katharine babysat sam a few times, for free. (i told you there were saints involved) caleb also watched sam. of course he's the dad and should, but he had work, finals, classes, papers, exams, etc so he didn't have much free time to spare.
anyway, it was hard to get my work done, take care of sam and still remain sane. so i actually was looking forward to working in the office and getting a break from the daily routine of work, sam, cooking, cleaning and other such stuff that comes with your own place.
 the past 2.5 weeks have been fabulous. i've rested. i feel focused with my job. my evenings are spent with sam, my family, walks, the beach. i'm not trying to figure out what to cook for dinner at 6pm. i'm not washing dishing at 9pm. i'm not cleaning the house on the weekends. my parents have been amazing letting me stay with them. of course, i've been trying to help out with dishes, cooking, a little cleaning and such, but they have been so helpful and to them caleb and i are so grateful.
rewind to last night.
i missed caleb.
 it was the first night i really had time to think. and to realize how much i missed caleb.
and it was a sad night.
but it was a good night.
because caleb is in india.
where he needs to be at the moment.
caleb is teaching & preaching & living in another country. for 6 weeks.
i miss him.
but we have a big God who is behind it all.
He loves us. He cares for us. He doesn't forget us.
and because i know caleb is supposed to be in india.
i don't begrudge him.
i'm happy for him.
i'm a little jealous. i'm a little envious. i'm a little sad.
i wish i could be there with him. experiencing india with him. as husband & wife. and maybe with sam.
but right now is not the time.
this fall: we have family to visit in sweden and a wedding in france.
and i have only so much vacation time.
and only so much money.
or should i say so little money.
and we must be wise with what we're given.
use our common sense.
and realize, there will be other times.

right now i need to take care of sara. i need to rest, relax, rejuvenate. spend time with sam. focus on my work and pray for caleb. caleb needs to be in india. he needs to be teaching and preaching and maybe relaxing a little. maybe taking a break from the intensity that is school, working, husband and father. not in a negative way. as a part of life. as a part of learning. and india.
i know it's not a break in the vacation sense b/c i know he's learning a lot. and they are doing a lot.
but it's different than what we've been doing the past 9 months.
which is working, school, housework, bills & sam.
with that.
caleb. you are amazing. i can't imagine what it's like for you in india. i kept thinking, "you're leaving me. you're leaving us." in reality, we weren't going with you. how hard must it have been for you to step onto the bus and say good-bye? how hard was it to board the plane knowing in 6 weeks sam could be walking or talking. maybe i'll cut my hair or change the color. or pierce my nose. or get a tattoo.
ok. kidding. i won't change as much.
but how hard was it to board the plane knowing in 6 weeks his life would be radically different. he was going to spend 6 weeks in another country. new languages. new cultures. new traditions. poverty. lots of people. sickness? new climate. different food. different clothes.
what would happen when he stepped off the plane in 6 weeks?
would his wife look different? would she dress different? would she expect different things?
would his son be walking, talking, running, shouting?
would he be shocked at the immense blessing he has of simply living in America? living in a nation where we can choose who and what we believe in. a nation of freedom. a nation of riches.
would he struggle with his own riches in contrast to the poverty he was exposed to in india?
would he struggle with enjoyment of the mountains and fresh clean air after his travel through smoggy, dusty, dirty, over-populated india?
would he miss the foothills of the himalayas in india?
would he miss the people, culture, food?
6 weeks can change a person.
they say it takes 30 days to form a habit.
maybe we'll form habits being apart for 6 weeks and feel like strangers.
but i don't think so.
i think the saying is accurate. "absence makes the heart stronger"
i think caleb and i will talk for hours about our experiences and what we've learned.
i will share the explorations sam and i went on.
caleb will tell me about the people.
i will tell caleb about my job and what i've learned being in the office.
caleb will tell me how the people in india do college.
i will tell caleb how rested i feel.
caleb will tell me how rejuvenated he feels.
i will tell caleb i missed him.
caleb will tell me he missed me.
and all will be right.
but last night i was missing him.
and that's ok.
because i should miss him.
but i don't want him to come home yet.
he's not ready.
india's not done with him.
so for that caleb, i understand.
stay.
be safe.
i love you.
and come back on the plane you booked.
safe but terrified.
changed but unharmed.
happy to be home.
but never the same.
and i pray i'll be able to understand you a little better when you return.

.besos.

No comments: